Friday, April 15, 2011

Things that should exist but probably don't, #1

You know how a lot of churches go ahead and do easter egg hunts on their property for easter, even though technically the idea should probably offend them, being a church and all that?

I think this is how church easter egg hunt functions need to work:

  1. Children and parents gather in a common area indoors, where they can see someone dressed as the easter bunny running around "cleverly hiding" the brightly colored plastic eggs in the lawn. The eggs are hidden in a pretty obvious trail leading around the property, to keep everyone mostly following them in a line around the back side of the building.
  2. The kids are lined up, given some sugar so they have a taste for the stuff before they get going, and then somebody yells "GO!" at the top of their lungs. 
  3. The kids bolt for the plastic eggs, frantically scrambling for candy and whatever, working their way around the back of the building.
  4. The easter bunny leaps out from behind a shrub and starts angrily squealing at the kids when they round a corner, then tries to get the eggs back.
  5. When the kids have been chased halfway back to the starting point, a hobo dressed as Jesus climbs up from a hole in the yard, probably yelling something about "i have risen," and then gets in an epic battle with the bunny. Depending on budget, Jesus could unload a starter pistol at the bunny, whose chest is loaded with squibs. Bunny dies an overdramatic death. Jesus saves the day and the kids get to keep their candy! If a starter pistol and fake gunshot wounds are beyond the budget, they could just get in some kind of kung-fu fight instead. Same results. Maybe Jesus could snap the bunny's neck, Bruce Lee style.
I am confident that this is exactly the right way to make those easter egg hunt things not suck.

Now I need to start a church. Who's in?


  1. Also, do you SEE how badly I need an artist?

    A set of comic-style Jesus vs. Bunny panels with a backdrop of horrified children is totally missing here.

  2. I am SO in. SO EFFING IN.

    The Easter thing at Shannon and what's her name's? Pretty much still the best Easter EVER. Jesus pinata. Hellz yeah. Remember how in a yard full of atheists and lesbians and whatnot, still NO ONE wanted to take the first swing at the Lord's Blessed Son?!?! LOL

  3. Stacy! Stacy! How could I not remember that? I needed more martini for my brain to function, sorry. Sorry, Stacy.

  4. I've been laughing at this for a week now. Watching my own kids hunt eggs, I had visions of Jesus kicking Bunny's ass. Thanks for that.

  5. This would definitely make it more likely that I would attend a church function.